PERSONAL NOTE:
I apologize for being somewhat sporadic in my contributions as of late. Unfortunately, my 91 year-old uncle (by marriage) has been admitted to the hospital three times in the last two months.
Fortunately, they were able to get him stabilized and into the Cardiac Rehab unit. Last week we were able to move him to an Assisted Living facility. He hopes to make it back to his apartment, but I’m not sure as he’s still on 2 Liters of O2 with barely acceptable FiO2s.
His 83 year-old sister (my aunt) lives less than a mile from me, and doesn’t drive, except to the grocery store and church. He has a son (cousin), but he lives on the other side of the Metro, so I’ve become the designated driver for his sister – and it’s a little over a half-hour drive one-way to the Assisted Living place.
But it did get me thinking that maybe I could use a little medical humor to lighten the moment.
So I’ll begin with a classic story that’s frequently told on your first day of Medical School orientation:
Brand new M-1s (First-Year) medical students were being oriented to their anatomy class involving a cadaver. They gathered around the stainless steel tank with the body covered by a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling the students:
“In medicine, there are at least three important qualities a physician must possess: The first is absolute Respect for your patients, so treat these cadavers with respect during your dissections.
“The second is that you absolutely cannot be disgusted by anything involving the Human Body”.
As an example, the anatomy professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his gloved-finger in the rectum of the corpse, slowly withdrew it and then put his finger in his mouth.
“Now I want each one of you to do the same thing,”
Stunned, the M-1s hesitated for a long moment before one brave soul broke the ice and did as instructed. Slowly, with great hesitation, they all stepped forward to take their turns doing the same exam, and all with disgusted faces.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them shaking his head, and informed them: “The third most important quality is Observation. If you had paid attention you would have noted I stuck my middle finger in the rectum, but sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.”
Let’s enjoy a few actual entries by medical students in patients’ charts – obviously oblivious to the third quality: PAY ATTENTION!
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband said she was very hot in bed last night.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 45 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early January.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
And I’ll close with this well-meaning health information sign that was clearly created by a republican:
