Friday Fun – “Houston, We Have A Problem”

Dateline – April 1, 2016

Johnson Space Center

April Holliday Newswire

 

NASA engineers at the Johnson Space Center in Houston, TX are stunned and livid after learning that Republicans in the Texas state legislature yesterday passed, against unanimous Democratic opposition, a law that redefines the value of pi (π), a mathematical constant used extensively in the aerospace industry, as well as many other industries and educational centers.

The bill changes the value of pi from its widely accepted and commonly used value of 3.14159 to what its supporters contend is its true “Biblical” value of exactly three (3.00000).  It was introduced without fanfare by a staunch Ted Cruz supporter, Sen. Iza Lou Zerr (R-Denton). 

A letter campaign and an online-petition sponsored by the evangelical fundamentalist group “Let’s Get Back to the Bible” proved to be the difference in the bill’s rapid gain of right-wing support.  The group’s Chairperson (who is also affiliated with a well-known White Supremacist organization) Rachel N. Tolerence, voiced her delight.  “We need more laws that recognize the Bible as our sole source for guidance in all things – and that include math!”

Republican Governor, Greg Abbott, reported he will gladly sign it into law on Friday, April 1, 2016, saying, “We all should always believe that what’s in the Bible is the Gospel truth.  After all, this isn’t rocket science, you know.  So pi will now be its true Biblical value of 3.00000 – at least here in Texas”

According to Johnson Space Center’s Math Division Chair, Adam Upp, pi is a Greek letter derived from Euclidean geometry that signifies the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter and is frequently used by engineers to project rocket trajectories as well as many other calculations.

In utter shock, U. of Texas Electrical Engineering Professor, Alec Tricity, added that pi is a universal constant, and cannot arbitrarily be changed by lawmakers on a whim.

When informed of the legally mandated change in pi to a “Biblical” value of 3.0000, University of Texas Physics Professor Shirley U. Geste exclaimed, “You’ve got to be kidding me!”

Prof. Geste further explained that pi is an irrational number, which means that it has an infinite number of digits after the decimal point and can never be known exactly – and could never be rounded off to the even number of 3.0000.  

Rep. Joe Kur (R-Plano) countered with "I think that it is the mathematicians that are being irrational.  The Bible very clearly says in I Kings 7:23 that the altar font of Solomon's Temple was ten cubits in diameter and thirty cubits in circumference, and that it was round in compass.  And that’s how one gets the true Biblical 3.0000 value for pi.  It’s straight from scriptures!"

The law took the state's professionally trained scientific, mathematical and engineering communities by total surprise.  “There was absolutely no warning at all this was about to happen,” Oliver Suddin, Chief Aerospace Engineer at the Johnson Space Center said.

Sen. Howard I. Nowe (R-Arlington), a co-sponsor of the bill, called into question the usefulness of any number that cannot be calculated exactly, and suggested that never knowing the precise value would harm students' self-esteem.  "We need to return to some absolute values based on the Bible in our society," he said.  “The Bible does not say that the font was ‘thirty-something’ cubits.  It clearly says thirty cubits.  Period.  End.  Full stop!"

Professionals from the education community are concerned that the legislation will adversely affect the way math is taught to children in Texas, a leading force in dictating how school books are written.

But one member of the Texas State School Board who is a strong supporter of home schooling based on “Christian values”, Lois Dee Nominator, is anxious to get the new value of pi into Texas’ math textbooks.

She would, however, consider a compromise allowing the non-Biblical value of 3.14159 based on actual math and scientific principles be retained as an alternative saying, "As far as I am concerned, the value of pi is only a theory, and we should be open to all interpretations."  She looks forward to students having the freedom to decide for themselves what value pi should have.

Many experts are warning that this is just the beginning of a national battle over the value of pi between faith-based supporters and professionals in the education and scientific communities.  “Let’s Get Back to the Bible” member Malcolm Tent agrees: "We’re ready to do battle.  We just want to return pi to its true and Biblical value," he said.  "And this, according to scriptures, is just plain old three – 3.00000.  Can I hear an Amen on that?"

 

NOTE: Thanks to physicist Mark Boslough for his classic April Fool’s Day Hoax back in 1998, which can be read in its original format using Alabama as its foil HERE.